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dagas_isaDear Filian,
Don't ask why I'm writing to you through e-mail, I really don't know, except that I've been overflowed with so much thoughts and emotions that don't know what to do with them, and I guess that even though you might not want to hear them, you're kind of at the center of them, so maybe I'll send them to you and at least get them down on paper, even if you never read past this paragraph.
I can't really explain how the break up makes me feel. To say that I'm glad or that I'm taking it well ignores the fact that a little piece of my heart crumbled, that I miss you, and that maybe sometimes I hope things could be different. To say that I'm upset though ignores something even more important, that I understand why it happened and that I know that it had to.
Things happen for a reason. People come and go into our lives for a reason, even if it's only for a little while. It was only a month or two that we knew each other, but you did something extremely important for me. You opened my heart to people, and to love. I can say that my heart is broken, but I can also say that some light comes into it now because you did, and because you were there. And you know, if we'd stayed together, I wouldn't have realized this, and I probably would have taken you for granted.
And now, I think Suki needs you too, although in a different way than I did. From what little I know about her, I think she needs someone to watch over her and care for her. I remember talking about how DK always gave her expensive gifts, but how she wished that he could be more like you, spending actual time on his girl instead of gil. And I think she needs someone stable and sweet, and yes, you're both of those things. And I think you need a girl who needs you more, and who is much more a part of your world than I was or could be.
Remember the guy that I said was hitting on me because of my Bazaar comment? We actually got talking last night, although we were off doing our own things, and he's the one that told me about how things happen for a reason, and I realized that they did. You know all the stupid things I do? The level one runs all over the world, the pointless soloing in Valkurm, the cracked up lower-level parties in Palborough mines, I do them for the sense of fun, but I can also say that some of the best things in my life, and definitely in final fantasy, have happened because I did something stupid and reckless that didn't help me get ahead. I think I've met someone else that I need, in a different way. Not in a stable, protector way, like you, but in a more intellectual, conversational way. Even if nothing develops between him and me, that talk I had with him needed to happen not only because of you, but because of things that happen in my real life too.
Songs have had a lot of meaning to me in the past two days, and they keep running through my head. English songs, Japanese songs, 80s songs, newer songs, rock songs, country songs, even a translation to a song I've never heard, and every one of them says similar things. To not regret what happened, even if I hurt now, because what we had was beautiful, even if it didn't last. To open up my heart, and not to pretend that I don't hurt, but to carry on and be friends.
They've also helped me realize something completely unrelated: Why I run around naked all the time, I mean other than being completely hot and stuff (and I know that you can still admit that objectively). "This armor is too heavy. To me, extremly so./I hate that I will fall without conveying even kindness to you./No one will attack you anymore/So quickly take off those things." (Yes, that's a translation from Japanese. No, I didn't do it.) In a place where I have to fight a lot, it feels good to lighten the burden sometimes and be defenseless and fragile. Also explains the level one runs. ^^
Right now, I'm trusting you with something I never could when we were together, my mind and all these weird feelings and thoughts that I have but that I've kept closed inside me for so many years. I don't fear losing you anymore, and I don't feel like I have to be so serene and stoic when I don't have my claws out toying at your fragile Elvaan male ego. I loved you, and I put on a disguise to be someone that you thought was ideal. This e-mail is who I really am, no sarcasm, no denials. Just Jaisa.
Thank you for everything, Sir Filian. ^.~ For the love and now the friendship. You still have a piece of my heart, just not the body that comes attached to it.
Yours in friendship,
Jaisa.
"The painting goes there. That's where the light is, and, if you don't mind me saying it, you could use more light." -- random dead artist to a grim reaper in Dead Like Me.
Over and out.
Don't ask why I'm writing to you through e-mail, I really don't know, except that I've been overflowed with so much thoughts and emotions that don't know what to do with them, and I guess that even though you might not want to hear them, you're kind of at the center of them, so maybe I'll send them to you and at least get them down on paper, even if you never read past this paragraph.
I can't really explain how the break up makes me feel. To say that I'm glad or that I'm taking it well ignores the fact that a little piece of my heart crumbled, that I miss you, and that maybe sometimes I hope things could be different. To say that I'm upset though ignores something even more important, that I understand why it happened and that I know that it had to.
Things happen for a reason. People come and go into our lives for a reason, even if it's only for a little while. It was only a month or two that we knew each other, but you did something extremely important for me. You opened my heart to people, and to love. I can say that my heart is broken, but I can also say that some light comes into it now because you did, and because you were there. And you know, if we'd stayed together, I wouldn't have realized this, and I probably would have taken you for granted.
And now, I think Suki needs you too, although in a different way than I did. From what little I know about her, I think she needs someone to watch over her and care for her. I remember talking about how DK always gave her expensive gifts, but how she wished that he could be more like you, spending actual time on his girl instead of gil. And I think she needs someone stable and sweet, and yes, you're both of those things. And I think you need a girl who needs you more, and who is much more a part of your world than I was or could be.
Remember the guy that I said was hitting on me because of my Bazaar comment? We actually got talking last night, although we were off doing our own things, and he's the one that told me about how things happen for a reason, and I realized that they did. You know all the stupid things I do? The level one runs all over the world, the pointless soloing in Valkurm, the cracked up lower-level parties in Palborough mines, I do them for the sense of fun, but I can also say that some of the best things in my life, and definitely in final fantasy, have happened because I did something stupid and reckless that didn't help me get ahead. I think I've met someone else that I need, in a different way. Not in a stable, protector way, like you, but in a more intellectual, conversational way. Even if nothing develops between him and me, that talk I had with him needed to happen not only because of you, but because of things that happen in my real life too.
Songs have had a lot of meaning to me in the past two days, and they keep running through my head. English songs, Japanese songs, 80s songs, newer songs, rock songs, country songs, even a translation to a song I've never heard, and every one of them says similar things. To not regret what happened, even if I hurt now, because what we had was beautiful, even if it didn't last. To open up my heart, and not to pretend that I don't hurt, but to carry on and be friends.
They've also helped me realize something completely unrelated: Why I run around naked all the time, I mean other than being completely hot and stuff (and I know that you can still admit that objectively). "This armor is too heavy. To me, extremly so./I hate that I will fall without conveying even kindness to you./No one will attack you anymore/So quickly take off those things." (Yes, that's a translation from Japanese. No, I didn't do it.) In a place where I have to fight a lot, it feels good to lighten the burden sometimes and be defenseless and fragile. Also explains the level one runs. ^^
Right now, I'm trusting you with something I never could when we were together, my mind and all these weird feelings and thoughts that I have but that I've kept closed inside me for so many years. I don't fear losing you anymore, and I don't feel like I have to be so serene and stoic when I don't have my claws out toying at your fragile Elvaan male ego. I loved you, and I put on a disguise to be someone that you thought was ideal. This e-mail is who I really am, no sarcasm, no denials. Just Jaisa.
Thank you for everything, Sir Filian. ^.~ For the love and now the friendship. You still have a piece of my heart, just not the body that comes attached to it.
Yours in friendship,
Jaisa.
"The painting goes there. That's where the light is, and, if you don't mind me saying it, you could use more light." -- random dead artist to a grim reaper in Dead Like Me.
Over and out.
