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dagas_isaAlrighty, there needs to be some air cleared, and guess what, this is the place to do it. You don't like it, you don't read it, and you'll deal. It could be hurtful, but it's what's inside. And you can defend yourself.
I love my memory of you more than I love you right now. *shrugs* I don't like it, and you may or may not like it, but that's the truth of the deal. I loved my buddy with whom I could ramble on about stupid things. I loved my buddy who sought me out as much as I sought her out. I loved my buddy who knew me way too well for my own good. I loved my buddy, whom I willl never forget and never remember. I loved my buddy who came to me with problems, and who admired me for somethings. I loved my best friend.
I don't think I love you so much anymore, or at least I try not to. Because yes, as paranoid as I am, I know that it's not all in my head. Your never wanting to talk to me again is all in my head, but the distance between us now isn't. And trust me, the first thing I saw and thought of from that comment was Could be a real friend?? You mean I'm not a real friend?? And while I know you said honest, there's still a part of me that senses that you were trying to be diplomatic. It's not paranoia if the feeling is dead on, is it?
And yes, your penchant for trying to be diplomatic aggravates the condition. Because I know that regardless of what you say, what you feel could be entirely different. And when you're diplomatic, I really can't express my doubts without being paranoid. Hence why I'm doing this at the one time that you pretty much had to be honest with me because now I know there's something outside my head that I can respond to. Yes, because the one person who strives to be the most honest person in this world isn't really. You are on the trivial everyday things. You're not a liar in the way that your parents might sometimes accuse you of being, but you lie about things that matter. You go so far to avoid hurting feelings that you probably end up hurting them more in the long run, and this for what? Yes, I'm sure that part of you really doesn't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm also going to guess that there's another part of your that just doesn't want to feel the pain that hurting other people causes, i.e. being nice to avoid a guilt trip on your part. Do what you want to do, and don't worry if other people feel bad about it in a little while. If you really don't have the mal intentions when you say something less than nice, than say it. Think about all the times that you've wanted to avoid someone whom you didn't really like, but they wouldn't let you avoid them, so you've had to be incredibly harsh for them to get the hint. Catch the problems when they're smaller. Take a little 'now' pain and avoid the more 'later' pain.
You strike me as being very selfish, almost as much as I am. That's not wholly bad. You need to look out for yourself, but when you say that you feel that you do more for me than I do for you, there are times when I think: "Pot--> Kettle--> Black"
You want something more from me? Dearie, ask for it. Remember, this is Dagas. And while I know that I'm not a complete idiot or a complete jerk or a complete anything else, I'm not psychic, especially when it comes to figuring out what people need from me. You want someone to listen to your obsessions and smile and nod and ask questions, then ask for it. You want someone to listen to your problems and fears and support you through them, then confide in me. Give me the means to give to you. From what I can tell, there's nothing from me that you really want, and it's hard to give when I have nothing of value to you.
I know what I want from you. I want friendship. I want to know that I'm loved and appreciated. I want honesty in the good and the bad time, real honesty. And yes, while I'm afraid to ask for it, I'm not above doing so. So ask for what you want from me, and if it's within my power and my budget, then I'll try to give it to you. And if you don't want friendship anymore, then I'd like to know when I can still see you as an acquaintence instead of seeing our relationship progress to hostility.
This is mean. It's not nice, and it's not diplomatic. One thing I can guarantee though is this is the worst I think of you. This is open season right here. Any barbs I might feel tempted to sling at you in a moment of weakness, any breakdowns on the horizon are right here, in the open, at least for me.
And I feel better about it.
Over and out.
I love my memory of you more than I love you right now. *shrugs* I don't like it, and you may or may not like it, but that's the truth of the deal. I loved my buddy with whom I could ramble on about stupid things. I loved my buddy who sought me out as much as I sought her out. I loved my buddy who knew me way too well for my own good. I loved my buddy, whom I willl never forget and never remember. I loved my buddy who came to me with problems, and who admired me for somethings. I loved my best friend.
I don't think I love you so much anymore, or at least I try not to. Because yes, as paranoid as I am, I know that it's not all in my head. Your never wanting to talk to me again is all in my head, but the distance between us now isn't. And trust me, the first thing I saw and thought of from that comment was Could be a real friend?? You mean I'm not a real friend?? And while I know you said honest, there's still a part of me that senses that you were trying to be diplomatic. It's not paranoia if the feeling is dead on, is it?
And yes, your penchant for trying to be diplomatic aggravates the condition. Because I know that regardless of what you say, what you feel could be entirely different. And when you're diplomatic, I really can't express my doubts without being paranoid. Hence why I'm doing this at the one time that you pretty much had to be honest with me because now I know there's something outside my head that I can respond to. Yes, because the one person who strives to be the most honest person in this world isn't really. You are on the trivial everyday things. You're not a liar in the way that your parents might sometimes accuse you of being, but you lie about things that matter. You go so far to avoid hurting feelings that you probably end up hurting them more in the long run, and this for what? Yes, I'm sure that part of you really doesn't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm also going to guess that there's another part of your that just doesn't want to feel the pain that hurting other people causes, i.e. being nice to avoid a guilt trip on your part. Do what you want to do, and don't worry if other people feel bad about it in a little while. If you really don't have the mal intentions when you say something less than nice, than say it. Think about all the times that you've wanted to avoid someone whom you didn't really like, but they wouldn't let you avoid them, so you've had to be incredibly harsh for them to get the hint. Catch the problems when they're smaller. Take a little 'now' pain and avoid the more 'later' pain.
You strike me as being very selfish, almost as much as I am. That's not wholly bad. You need to look out for yourself, but when you say that you feel that you do more for me than I do for you, there are times when I think: "Pot--> Kettle--> Black"
You want something more from me? Dearie, ask for it. Remember, this is Dagas. And while I know that I'm not a complete idiot or a complete jerk or a complete anything else, I'm not psychic, especially when it comes to figuring out what people need from me. You want someone to listen to your obsessions and smile and nod and ask questions, then ask for it. You want someone to listen to your problems and fears and support you through them, then confide in me. Give me the means to give to you. From what I can tell, there's nothing from me that you really want, and it's hard to give when I have nothing of value to you.
I know what I want from you. I want friendship. I want to know that I'm loved and appreciated. I want honesty in the good and the bad time, real honesty. And yes, while I'm afraid to ask for it, I'm not above doing so. So ask for what you want from me, and if it's within my power and my budget, then I'll try to give it to you. And if you don't want friendship anymore, then I'd like to know when I can still see you as an acquaintence instead of seeing our relationship progress to hostility.
This is mean. It's not nice, and it's not diplomatic. One thing I can guarantee though is this is the worst I think of you. This is open season right here. Any barbs I might feel tempted to sling at you in a moment of weakness, any breakdowns on the horizon are right here, in the open, at least for me.
And I feel better about it.
Over and out.
