Love, Honesty, and FFXI
Aug. 26th, 2004 02:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dagas_isaI promised myself I'd be in bed by two, and it's almost the limit. Therefore I shall write this entry and go lay me down to sleep.
Just wanted to get some things out in the open that I'm not sure if people really care about or are maybe not wanting to ask me.
Yes, I mock everyone, even those that I love. Especially those people, because no matter how easily I can give love in the online form, actually telling people how much they mean to me is difficult, especially when I admire them like I do a lot of people. Also, anyone who's seen my warped sense of humor, my sense of seriousness is just as warped and that's harder to express. *is a sentimental, moralizing fool at heart, and that's not an insult*
Emotional bonds, in real life, just as scary as anything else I'll face. Midterms. Finals. Roller Coasters. Moldy Bananas. Anything except for making a connection with someone. That's why I cling to hard and tear myself down. Trust me, I can scmooze like a champion, it's just when it comes to making serious, personal conversation that my brain shuts down into self-interest, self-depreciation mode.
I love you all so much, even though I'm more ... emotionally stable when I'm alone and not feeling like I'm missing out on something that I sense everyone around me enjoys, I stll want to be with you all. If that means I have to force myself into a role that's not entirely me, I'll play with it, especially if it is a role that I enjoy playing.
That's sincere. And not really self-pitying because you know what, there is a strength in being able to have thoughts and contain them and feel content in solitude. It's a different strength, but it's one that will see me through.
And I will be happy in college, regardless of my schedule or the schedules of my friends. Because no one makes me happy but me, and no one makes me sad but me. People's actions provoke those feelings, but they don't make me have them. And no, I don't expect this to be a loop-de-loop happy giddy time. I just want this year to be mostly happy and lose some of the reputation I have for being an angstball.
***
I caved. I ended up buying FFXI, and -whoo-hoo- do I suck. Yeah, I chose a Thief, which means that I ain't gonna be appreciated until I'm Level 15, when the Thief apparently becomes teh kewl. Honestly, I've always loved them. It was the one thing about Rikku that Square got right.
And yes, I'm addicted, though with rules. First, I have to be off by 1:00. I shall not pull all nighters, even on the weekend. Two, no getting on in the mornings or when I have less than an hour to spare. Three, hygine is important, even if I do go off into gamerdom. That last is very important.
And finally, for those who want to know:
Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I'll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.
Over and out.
Just wanted to get some things out in the open that I'm not sure if people really care about or are maybe not wanting to ask me.
Yes, I mock everyone, even those that I love. Especially those people, because no matter how easily I can give love in the online form, actually telling people how much they mean to me is difficult, especially when I admire them like I do a lot of people. Also, anyone who's seen my warped sense of humor, my sense of seriousness is just as warped and that's harder to express. *is a sentimental, moralizing fool at heart, and that's not an insult*
Emotional bonds, in real life, just as scary as anything else I'll face. Midterms. Finals. Roller Coasters. Moldy Bananas. Anything except for making a connection with someone. That's why I cling to hard and tear myself down. Trust me, I can scmooze like a champion, it's just when it comes to making serious, personal conversation that my brain shuts down into self-interest, self-depreciation mode.
I love you all so much, even though I'm more ... emotionally stable when I'm alone and not feeling like I'm missing out on something that I sense everyone around me enjoys, I stll want to be with you all. If that means I have to force myself into a role that's not entirely me, I'll play with it, especially if it is a role that I enjoy playing.
That's sincere. And not really self-pitying because you know what, there is a strength in being able to have thoughts and contain them and feel content in solitude. It's a different strength, but it's one that will see me through.
And I will be happy in college, regardless of my schedule or the schedules of my friends. Because no one makes me happy but me, and no one makes me sad but me. People's actions provoke those feelings, but they don't make me have them. And no, I don't expect this to be a loop-de-loop happy giddy time. I just want this year to be mostly happy and lose some of the reputation I have for being an angstball.
***
I caved. I ended up buying FFXI, and -whoo-hoo- do I suck. Yeah, I chose a Thief, which means that I ain't gonna be appreciated until I'm Level 15, when the Thief apparently becomes teh kewl. Honestly, I've always loved them. It was the one thing about Rikku that Square got right.
And yes, I'm addicted, though with rules. First, I have to be off by 1:00. I shall not pull all nighters, even on the weekend. Two, no getting on in the mornings or when I have less than an hour to spare. Three, hygine is important, even if I do go off into gamerdom. That last is very important.
And finally, for those who want to know:
Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I'll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.
Over and out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 07:57 am (UTC)Wow. Two whole languages and ten bucks says I didn't spell a one of 'em right.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 01:08 pm (UTC)You're intimidating, but I'm sure you already know that, and believe it or not, I think it's probably smart of a lot of dumb people to fear you before they get to know you. Yes, I know that underneath the talent for slinging barbs there is an extremely caring person, but no one really sees that.
You need to work on letting yourself depend on other people for some things. Because, yes, after all the concern that show for other people, not letting others reciprocate it is a little shady.
I love you, although sometimes you do prod me for my problems when there really isn't anything wrong. Let it go sometime, Oh Great Overlord, please.
And yes, I <3 mocking you. You're confident, and you seem like the person who can laugh at herself, and therefore, not taking advantage of that would be like... having two incredibly cool and completely compatable characters and not slashing them. It's a waste of some good raw potential.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 02:42 pm (UTC)*of FFXI and brutalising*
Date: 2004-08-26 03:48 pm (UTC)And you know, you aren't that bad at FFXI! You reached level 5 faster than I did. And *huggles* If you want, I'll run around with you today, give you some healage so you can take on those nasty ass Yagudos and Goblins. The wankers.
Oh, and, brutalise away!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 04:24 pm (UTC)Well, to get off the obvious things. Me-chan needs to ree-lax. Trust me, things aren't going to fall apart if you do something for yourself for once. She also obsesses like crazy. I guess one could say that she obsesses about obsessing to the point that her objects of obsesssing are obsessed about squarely. Hah!
Seriously, even if I love the memory of our friendship at it's best more than I love you now, I still love you like crazy. You've been there for me as much as you can, and probably more than what's justified. Sure, I can't tell you everything, but you probably know me best of all the weird darlings we call people. You're also fun to be goofy with. And do you remember what our stances were on VanBuren's hair?
Seriously ~again~ I wish that you could be more direct with expressing your feelings, even the more unpleasant ones. Especially those. Because a little bluntness at the beginning hurts less than the truck runover at the end. And if the former prevents the latter, then that's what it takes. Just something of a balance. Yeah, I have a Pandora's box about this subject, but I would rather you ask to see it.
What else? I find you amusing, and the most unintentional perv I've ever met. You also drool at the slightest provocation. Juan Carlos. Red Shirt. Sora. Cloud. Zack. Tidus (*shudder*). I've got the list somewhere (pro'lly at home), we shall have to read it sometime and measure the drool-o-meter.
Re: *of FFXI and brutalising*
Date: 2004-08-26 04:31 pm (UTC)*glomphugglestacklesnog*
Yo.
You're my partner in pervy crime, and I probably let myself do things and say things that I wouldn't around other people. Even though we don't know each other that well, I still consider you to be a great friend, even if you do coddle me a bit (like an egg).
Also, how dare you call me a kitten!! When I say I'm fierce, you better believe it. *winks*
You have something about you that just... makes people feel special, and I'm grateful that you're here for me and that you've done so much. And I think this talent of yours extends to just about everyone. You're definitely going to make a good teacher.
I'm sure if I knew you for better or longer, I could brutalize like mad on your tush *lecherous grin*, but I guess this is still the honeymoon phase. I adores ya all to heaven.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 08:16 pm (UTC)Sabi ish cool yesh... I don't know how I managed to miss you for so long.
Let's see, I wish I knew you better, especially because we don't really talk to each other that often in C-U nor up in B-town.
You also rock my polyester socks. There's not much else to say, you're fun to be around even if I don't feel like were all that close.
And you know... for someone I hang around a lot, there's not really much to say. We're friends, but we're kinda 'Blah let's just do something friends.' More friends to hang around with to do stuff with than friends in our own right.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 02:35 am (UTC)I don't know you that well personally so it's kind of hard to really say anything. You just remind me of a typical teenager, and hopefully your sense of humor will continue to develop and those little anxieties won't.
Oh, and you like Riku, which is always a bonus.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 02:54 am (UTC)I dun know you that well, but you're definitely one of the coolest, nicest, most talented people I know, and I wish that we did talk more often.
Hmm... I can't think of much else to say. You're incredibly talented at making videos, and I think we could be very good friends if I ever dared to talk to you more often.