What an ungrateful little . . .

Here's one for the flame gallery, for all those who wonder what one of my "flames" look like. Personally, I think that this really isn't all that bad, but this appears to be one of those "praise me lavishly or don't bother authors." But, oh dear, the story was quite bad, and really one flame isn't going to kill her. Three more done by different people might.

***

First, I must apologize for bursting your bubble. But a reality check must be administered. Take it as a flame if you will, but this is constructive criticism.

I want to compliment you on your poetry skills, you have quite the talent for it. So in that respect, at least, you're doing well.

The main story though is bothering me, both plot wise and grammatically. Himiko is definitely a Mary Sue, an original character that takes over a story to the point where quality and canon are sacrificed. Perhaps you should tone her role in the story down a bit. You know, Sora, Riku, and Kairi are capable enough of handling some things on their own. And revolving a story around one OC/Canon romance is quite cliche and nerve-wracking. Especially because Himiko just happens to fall out of the sky onto Destiny Islands like 75% of all the other MS's out there.

Form wise, script form isn't all that good to begin with, especially because you're using normal narration in between dialogue. Please write it either as a play with stage direcions and everything, or content yourself with speech tags and quotation marks.

And tense shifting, occurs frequently throughout this story. Keep it either all taking plase in the past or the present tense. That way the story flows a lot better.

Example: "As they step out, they see many things that was created from science. . . . Even so, the place was mostly the most remarkible place ever built."

These two sentences are in the same paragraph, so they need in the same tense to work well together.

And I would suggest getting something with spell-check, or getting yourself a beta reader to help you with spelling/grammar because, honestly, you do need the help. There is at least one spelling mistake in that part I quoted that spell check would have caught.

Look, I understand that you're doing this for fun, and that you're probably not looking for advice. However, to expect no one to flame you for a work full of spelling errors/grammatical errors, clicheness, and a Mary Sue to boot is impossible.

Sincerely,

Dagas Isa a.k.a. Chibigenius

***

So what does this mean? This means that I have a little rant. First of all, that story was not good. Mangled script form is no better and possible worse than normal script form. And anyone who expects a story like that to get nothing but praise is unrealistic. If you can't take the fact that someone might *gasp* call you on the flaws in your story then you do not have the maturity to be posting on Fanfiction.net. The word "flame" has a wide variety of definitions, ranging from anything critical to caps lock cursing garbage. My position on the continuum is near the caps lock cursing end. As long as something constructive is said then I don't believe it's a flame and that's the definition that I review by. So I don't see the above as a flame, just a constructively critical review despite what she thinks.

Personally, anyone who goes out and posts their stories and doesn't like criticism has no business posting. As much as it might be something done just for fun or a hobby, realize that there are other people who actually want to read good stories and people who do like thinking that they're helping young authors by offering guidance even if the review itself is mostly negative. And if you're not the type of author interested in hearing what you need to do to make your story better then just ignore the criticism and go on with your life or, if you really can't handle it, don't post your story on a site where millions of people can see it. I hate to think that there are people who write who don't care about how good their stuff is just as long as it gets praised, but that's what it mostly seems to be out there.

Oh, and please, don't blame the people who give you critical reviews for making you stop writing. Boo hoo hoo! You really need to go out and examine your reasons for writing if getting flames makes you stop writing or take down a story. Really, most good critical reviews will be heavy on advice that you can use to edit the current story or to start a new one. They are not meant to discourage you.

My official position on reading, writing, posting, and reviewing fanfiction: Do what you will, but realize that others are free to do the same thing

Over and out.