Shadowed Snow

[dagas_isa]

Here's the rough draft to Shadowed Snow. Don't kill me.

Shadowed Snow
A Reverse Side of Darkness Fic by Dagas Isa.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They belong to the great Koorino Megumi or Squaresoft. The song is 'POWDER SNOW' by Hamasaki Ayumi, and credit for the translation goes to Wataru.

Spoilers: I see no spoilers. All inside knowledge except for characterization rambling has been conveniently forgotten. This is just to see if I can out angst and out misery Me-chan with the help of a very sad song.

***

The day was cloudy, and the soft snow floated gently down in the air. Iraki had almost forgotten about what it was like to actually have cold weather. So many years on Fate Isles had conditioned her to warm weather year round. Even from behind the heavy stone walls of the castle, and even with her heavy winter coat wrapped around her body, she still could not help but feel the chill in her bones. It was the same one she had always felt since her return to Empty Citadel and the knowledge that Kiru was gone permanantly.

"So you mean that he's not coming back?" Iraki had asked Ansem as he had tried, in his own way to explain the situation.

"We have been searching for him." It had been strange to hear Ansem's voice choke up, but it made all the more real to her. "We finally found him, a few days before you came back here."

Iraki hadn't bothered to hope then. If Kiru had been there, alive and in any sort of condition to meet with her, he would have been there, even if he had to hobble around to do so. That was his dependability and his devotion. That's what she had loved, even as his idealism had left little time for them to be together. Ansem hadn't needed to say it. What she had loved was gone. Kiru was gone.

She had never been given the chance to say goodbye. Wherever the body had been, it wasn't there anymore, and from the way that Kairi and Riku had averted their eyes whenever she asked about his death, she had been left only to imagine what had happened.

I want to be left alone

"Hey," Riku asked, putting a gloved hand on her shoulder. The gentle note in his usually moking voice failed to escape her. She didn't turn around, she didn't give in to the support he could offer her. He was too much like Kiru and yet too different at the same time.

Panicking, Iraki started running a far away from him as she possibly could. As quick as Sora and Kiru in his own right, Riku blocked her path.

"Iraki, I know we don't really know each other that well, but I told Kiru, you know, before what happened that I'd-"

"Don't mention that name." Iraki said, trying to act as cold as the winter air outside. "I'm sorry Riku. But I can't take this right now. You just remind me too much of him." Whether he understood or not, it didn't matter. He stepped out of her path all the same and let her walk away.

I want to escape to a place where no one knows me.

After walking out of the castle and taking the lift to outside the gate, it was easy enough to avoid anyone who might ask inconvenient questions, anyone who would try to whisper false words of comfort. It wasn't all right. It would never be all right again. Why didn't anyone else understand that?

Would you have been saved, Kiru, if I could have stopped it? If Sora could have been saved, would none of this ever started? You can't change the past. But for anyone else, could we have changed the future?

Kiru had always said that the future could not change, and after watching from the sidelines as he had tried to change things had almost convinced her the he was right. She used to believe that she could do something to help, but after all of the recent failures, she wondered if she were as helpless to change fate as he was.

That I'm wrong about that, that it's my fault, It's all my heart has. I don't need tomorrow.

What future was there for her without Kiru by her side, smiling at her. Their relationship before had been based on there being some sort of future for them. When this mission was done, they could be together. When Aros could possibly understand their bond, they would be open in their feelings. "I love you" were the words of tomorrow for them. Everything that she had ever wanted and loved had been in the future, and now it was gone.

She had never thought about it that way before, but that was the truth of things. There were memories of Kiru, sure, but none of them sweet enough to hold onto. The last time she had ever saw him, it hadn't even been in reality, but in a dream that ended way too soon. Too soon for anything to be completely resolved. She wanted something solid to remember him by. Something she could hold on to, not just memories and dreams that wouldn't come true.

Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away. The white snow muffles my tears.

She'd lost it then, completely. At the castle, there were so many people to wear the brave face for. Riku and Kairi had witnessed whatever had happened to Kiru, and yet they managed to carry on, at least when Iraki could see them. Ansem had loved Kiru as a son, and yet he too only showed his sadness in subtle ways, he seemed to have lost his penchant for rambling.But they were all so brave compared to her.

The tears rolled down her cheeks as she collapsed into the snow. The whiteness surrounded her, shielding her from any unlikely passerby. The howling of the wind around her drowned out the loud sobs, giving her permission to indulge in this one moment of weakness. She settled into the snow around her and the opportunity for release it was giving her.

Please help me.

Kiru, come back to me please.

I don't have one regret

That was a lie. And Iraki knew it. Ever since she had left Fate Isles, her life had been nothing but a mistake. Even before then. What had she done to make her worth anything to Kiru or anyone else? She had failed at learning magic. Even now, with the freezing wind tearing at her, she hesitated to make a fire. The light and the smoke might call someone to her, and besides, there was nothing in her to work magic with.

Magic. That was another one of her failures. She could have been a stronger magician, if only she had tried harder to learn it the first time. Ansem had been a patient and competent teacher, and yet even after years of study, she only had the simplest of spells. If she had done better during those available years of practice, maybe she would be of some use now. Even Riku, who had learned magic very shortly before she had last saw Kiru, could out-spell her in most areas.

I've always been living in the present.

Another lie. If she could live in the present, there would be nothing to cry about. Kiru would just be a chapter of her life that had ended a bit earlier than she would have liked. If she lived in the present there would be no reason to be here, in the snow, crying frozen tears of grief and self pity.

The future didn't really matter anymore. And the past was nothing but a mistake. If she could let go of it once and for all, truly live her life in the here and now, she could let go of the sadness.

She opened her eyes and stared around her, letting go of her train of thought and just take in the barren, snowy landscape. The world was just pale, white snow against a barely contrasting sky, and only Iraki in her winter coat to break up the monotony. The chill cut through her layers, sharp and bitter. It matched the feeling in her heart so well.

So that I don't leaven even a single trace or footprint.

She should leave the mission. Knowing her abilities, she would be nothing but a liability. There were three white Keyblade masters after all, and the other two were much more powerful than her. Disappearing wouldn't be that hard for her. Invisibility was her best spell after all, maybe for that reason. Maybe she was meant to disappear.

They would be better off without her. It was inevitable. Now if only there was a way to make that realization less painful.

It seemed so long ago that Aros had stabbed her with the black Keyblade and sealed her heart, keeping herself safe from the darkness. She had never thought the darkness could come to hurt her. But it now ate at her heart, searching for the core of light that legend said existed within everything.

She felt the darkness grow inside her. And, for the first time since she had started this mission, she had no doubts about what she had to do. She took the step she couldn't turn back from.

The candle melts down, this light is extinguished.

She embraced the darkness.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away. The white snow will forgive me for everything

The step had been so easy to take, but now that the darkness was actually consuming her, doubts rose from her heart. What if Kiru could see her now? He would be so ashamed of her for giving in. He would be so angry with himself for leaving her vulnerable for this.

"Kiru!" She cried out to the falling snow, struggling to grasp on to something as the darkness consumed her.

She didn't know what she had expected. A frozen moment of time and then darkness or a feeling of contentment as the darkness washed away all of her fears. There wasn't supposed to be pain, but that's what she found, she clasped her chest and began to scream as the darkness consumed her. In a last minute frenzy, she tried to fight back, calling up memories of Kiru, Riku, Kairi, and those people she had known from both Fate Isle and Empty Citadel. It wasn't too late, surely, if she could regret what was happening, then she could be saved. She could find another way to disappear.

Please.

Let it be all right.

But the darkness had taken its grip, pushing Iraki closer to the edge of darkness. And then, she lost her touch with the falling snow around her, the chill of the wind became one with the chill inside her. There was no more light, and no more warmth. There wasn't even a ground to stand on, as she fell through the darkness.

Can I cry as much as I want to? Until my tears wither away. Can I should at the top of my lungs? Until my voice withers away.

She reached up through the darkness, wanting a hand. She had heard it from Ansem about how Kairi had called Sora back from the dark the first time around. Couldn't someone be there for her, to call her back? No. She was lost now, her body nothing but an empty shell of what she used to be.

She was crying on the inside, but she couldn't feel the tears anymore. The Heartless didn't shed tears.

Can I cry as much as I want to?

She stopped crying. Even as the pain carried her into the final stages of her transformation, there was no more need to cry.

Can I scream at the top of my lungs

She stopped screaming. There was no pain any more. There were no thoughts. Just a hunger for light and hearts.

Until the snow stops.

From the spot where the human called Iraki had once been, a dark figure slithered off into the snowy day, not caring where it went.

***

A/N: I apologize for the lousy interpretation of the KH/RSoD universe. Hopefully this meets with your satisfaction, Me-chan. I suppose it didn't turn out too badly in the end.

Over and out.