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Well, my reality is fine, all considering. But that's just the thing. Why the heck am I so lucky?
I stress about the little things too much. My idea of doing bad in school (at least in high-school) was getting a 'B' if it were outside Safarcyk's class. And I realize that since this is college, I have to make adjustments. 'B's can become acceptable, and perhaps even 'C's. But the whole thing comes down to this: I've never been in a place so deep that I couldn't get out of it, and yet look at the angsting that goes on with me.
Me-chan meets creepy people over the internet; I'm lucky enough that they don't bother me. Heck, I meet a lot of cool people, and what do I do? I freakin' ignore them. Not because I don't like them, but merely because I have no clue on how to get on. And when I do talk, it's usually about my problems, not about them. I care, really I do, but I don't like having to force people to trust me, and yet I have no problems whining and complaining about my own petty problems. That's the way I am.
Actually, I consider it to be a blessing that I can complain about the petty things, that my experiences with all the big problems in life her second hand at best. But I just need to let people do the same to me.
I don't know what's with my withdrawing lately. The only person I really have regular conversations with is Me-chan, and it's not merely because I feel close to her. I mean if I did that thing I tell myself I'm going to do sometimes and block everyone from my buddy lists, she would still manage to make it. Why? First of all, because if I withdraw from her, I get phone calls. She would hunt me down and force me to talk, as much as someone like her doesn't really 'force' people to do anything. *expects a glare* Also, as much as she might not be the only person who cares and would want to hear my problems, she's the one person who's put up with all the garbage I've handed down over the years (well that and my parents...). She believes in me, a lot more than I believe in myself.
As for the sensitivity/empathy issues. I hold sympathy for all who have them. I try not to complain as much if I know that you guys are listening. No need to stress you guys out more than you must be. Saying that, I'm not at all empathic, and it's something that I'm glad for, although I did wish I could be a little more sensitive to people's feelings. Just enough that I wasn't constantly saying stupid things to hurt their feelings. Rodion... I don't really know how to describe what he means. He's not something I want to be, because I know how miserable it makes him, but he's actually sure of everyone other than himself, and for me it's the other way around. I know what I feel, and most of the time I know why, and I suppose that's better. Maybe it's a guilt trip for being so self-centered, that I need to believe in being otherwise.
Anyway, the whole addiction to Gaia is about the fact that not only can I be self-centered. A small topic is anything up to 10 pages there, and they're not truly large until they reach 100 pages or so. And at the same time, I can see people who have things a lot worse than I do. And you know what? They're all much better (or at least much more intelligent) people than myself, and I think there's a connection there between suffering and intelligence. And I think it's the suffering that's the cause. Hence why I'm stlll a child for all that I'm legally an adult in many ways.
I suppose the best I can do is say that I care about you all and give a huge group hug. Remember, I'm always open to being messaged. I like to talk and listen really... I do.
Now for about an hour more sleep.
Over and out.
I stress about the little things too much. My idea of doing bad in school (at least in high-school) was getting a 'B' if it were outside Safarcyk's class. And I realize that since this is college, I have to make adjustments. 'B's can become acceptable, and perhaps even 'C's. But the whole thing comes down to this: I've never been in a place so deep that I couldn't get out of it, and yet look at the angsting that goes on with me.
Me-chan meets creepy people over the internet; I'm lucky enough that they don't bother me. Heck, I meet a lot of cool people, and what do I do? I freakin' ignore them. Not because I don't like them, but merely because I have no clue on how to get on. And when I do talk, it's usually about my problems, not about them. I care, really I do, but I don't like having to force people to trust me, and yet I have no problems whining and complaining about my own petty problems. That's the way I am.
Actually, I consider it to be a blessing that I can complain about the petty things, that my experiences with all the big problems in life her second hand at best. But I just need to let people do the same to me.
I don't know what's with my withdrawing lately. The only person I really have regular conversations with is Me-chan, and it's not merely because I feel close to her. I mean if I did that thing I tell myself I'm going to do sometimes and block everyone from my buddy lists, she would still manage to make it. Why? First of all, because if I withdraw from her, I get phone calls. She would hunt me down and force me to talk, as much as someone like her doesn't really 'force' people to do anything. *expects a glare* Also, as much as she might not be the only person who cares and would want to hear my problems, she's the one person who's put up with all the garbage I've handed down over the years (well that and my parents...). She believes in me, a lot more than I believe in myself.
As for the sensitivity/empathy issues. I hold sympathy for all who have them. I try not to complain as much if I know that you guys are listening. No need to stress you guys out more than you must be. Saying that, I'm not at all empathic, and it's something that I'm glad for, although I did wish I could be a little more sensitive to people's feelings. Just enough that I wasn't constantly saying stupid things to hurt their feelings. Rodion... I don't really know how to describe what he means. He's not something I want to be, because I know how miserable it makes him, but he's actually sure of everyone other than himself, and for me it's the other way around. I know what I feel, and most of the time I know why, and I suppose that's better. Maybe it's a guilt trip for being so self-centered, that I need to believe in being otherwise.
Anyway, the whole addiction to Gaia is about the fact that not only can I be self-centered. A small topic is anything up to 10 pages there, and they're not truly large until they reach 100 pages or so. And at the same time, I can see people who have things a lot worse than I do. And you know what? They're all much better (or at least much more intelligent) people than myself, and I think there's a connection there between suffering and intelligence. And I think it's the suffering that's the cause. Hence why I'm stlll a child for all that I'm legally an adult in many ways.
I suppose the best I can do is say that I care about you all and give a huge group hug. Remember, I'm always open to being messaged. I like to talk and listen really... I do.
Now for about an hour more sleep.
Over and out.
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