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Let's just be honest for once.
Sep. 6th, 2003 10:52 amYes, I'm depressed. Maybe I'm really homesick. Maybe I'm not. I'm not sure. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's a combination of both. The truth is, I'm going through a huge period of self-loathing right now. I would like and might even need a human support system. But the thing about depression is that the sufferer doesn't believe that he/she deserves the support. That's kinda sucky. And it makes things more difficult for everyone involved.
Does everyone hate themselves? We know ourselves better than we know each other. We don't know everyone else's terrible secrets in the detail that we know our own. I know exactly what I've been doing to Me-chan, it's the same thing that I did to Inu and Tanoshii in junior year without actually doing anything resembling self-mutilation. It was wrong then, and it's even worse now because Me-chan is the worst person in the world to do this to.
I suppose I'm jealous. I've pretty much had her to myself for so many years that with the exceptions of a few parties and such, I haven't really had to get along with others for her. And now, at least online, I'm kinda low on the list of people worth talking to, and believe it or not, we don't really see each other as much in RL or talk on the phone as much as we used to even though we live closer to each other. So I'm jealous, lonely, and seeking attention. That's a pretty bad combo when it comes to me. And it does cause me to do some dispicable things, such as manipulate someone that I know how to manipulate all too well.
And really, in the end, sometimes I think she and Sabi-chan are really the only friends I have. Yes, there are others that I talk to, but I can't be nearly so honest with them, and it feels, well, fake. And I don't even cry in front of Sabi. I wish that I could make bonds easily with other people, but there's this gap between them and me. I'm not normal, not by any means.
And maybe some of it is good. I'm probably more intelligent than most people, and I prefer the deep things in life. J-pop, I think is a good thing. Shiina Hekiru . . . definitely. And my decisions to not smoke, drink, or have casual sex, those are my beliefs, and I really don't see how compromising myself to fit in is worth it.
But there are less positive things that lurk beneath the surface: I'm closed off from the world. I avoid relationships, not like a cliched plague, but like the pile of paper on my desk that could give me something good if only I would bother. And there is a part of me that has to work at being interested in others. I'm extremely rude, extremely blunt, and I take those who genuinely do care about me all too much for granted. And the lack of self confidence really doesn't do anything.
Yeah, I am thinking of suicide right now. But it's not something that's likely to happen. Lack of acceptable weapon for one thing. Second, things aren't all that bad right now. It's just my perception of them that sucks. So I'll keep on existing and hope that I can find the strength somewhere to go out and make things better. And also change my attitude. Stick my neck out again, and see if anything good can come from it. The only question is where do I start?
Finding self-worth would be a good place. Let go of the self-hatred and realize that if I don't let myself get down and slide, I really am all right. And going out and actually doing something, even if it is getting one of a thousand fic ideas down on paper and actually turning it into a good story. Sharing happiness and sadness, and letting people cheer me up when I'm in one of these moods would help.
"kesshite jibun wo akiramenaide chiisa na koto demo dekiru koto ga aru totemo taisetsu na koto" -- ELT Graceful World
Never give up on yourself. It might just be a small thing, but if it's something you can do, it's a very important thing.
And don't forget to love yourself.
Over and out.
Does everyone hate themselves? We know ourselves better than we know each other. We don't know everyone else's terrible secrets in the detail that we know our own. I know exactly what I've been doing to Me-chan, it's the same thing that I did to Inu and Tanoshii in junior year without actually doing anything resembling self-mutilation. It was wrong then, and it's even worse now because Me-chan is the worst person in the world to do this to.
I suppose I'm jealous. I've pretty much had her to myself for so many years that with the exceptions of a few parties and such, I haven't really had to get along with others for her. And now, at least online, I'm kinda low on the list of people worth talking to, and believe it or not, we don't really see each other as much in RL or talk on the phone as much as we used to even though we live closer to each other. So I'm jealous, lonely, and seeking attention. That's a pretty bad combo when it comes to me. And it does cause me to do some dispicable things, such as manipulate someone that I know how to manipulate all too well.
And really, in the end, sometimes I think she and Sabi-chan are really the only friends I have. Yes, there are others that I talk to, but I can't be nearly so honest with them, and it feels, well, fake. And I don't even cry in front of Sabi. I wish that I could make bonds easily with other people, but there's this gap between them and me. I'm not normal, not by any means.
And maybe some of it is good. I'm probably more intelligent than most people, and I prefer the deep things in life. J-pop, I think is a good thing. Shiina Hekiru . . . definitely. And my decisions to not smoke, drink, or have casual sex, those are my beliefs, and I really don't see how compromising myself to fit in is worth it.
But there are less positive things that lurk beneath the surface: I'm closed off from the world. I avoid relationships, not like a cliched plague, but like the pile of paper on my desk that could give me something good if only I would bother. And there is a part of me that has to work at being interested in others. I'm extremely rude, extremely blunt, and I take those who genuinely do care about me all too much for granted. And the lack of self confidence really doesn't do anything.
Yeah, I am thinking of suicide right now. But it's not something that's likely to happen. Lack of acceptable weapon for one thing. Second, things aren't all that bad right now. It's just my perception of them that sucks. So I'll keep on existing and hope that I can find the strength somewhere to go out and make things better. And also change my attitude. Stick my neck out again, and see if anything good can come from it. The only question is where do I start?
Finding self-worth would be a good place. Let go of the self-hatred and realize that if I don't let myself get down and slide, I really am all right. And going out and actually doing something, even if it is getting one of a thousand fic ideas down on paper and actually turning it into a good story. Sharing happiness and sadness, and letting people cheer me up when I'm in one of these moods would help.
"kesshite jibun wo akiramenaide chiisa na koto demo dekiru koto ga aru totemo taisetsu na koto" -- ELT Graceful World
Never give up on yourself. It might just be a small thing, but if it's something you can do, it's a very important thing.
And don't forget to love yourself.
Over and out.
