dagas_isa | The Power of Inertia (Reply)

It really is no good reason.
I'm just kinda feeling unloved. You know that sickening feeling that it really doesn't matter to anyone if you live or die. Because you're just not that important. And then there's a part of me that wonders if I really love anyone either. It's just that empty.
I think it was Kira-kira, one of my friends from Aurora that kinda pushed me over the edge. You see, she has this attachment with sending forwarded messages to everyone on her buddy list. These messages are cute and warm and beg to be forwarded to everyone. And yet, I can count on one hand that number of times that we've actually talked either on the phone, or through IM, or through individual e-mail.

I just feel forgotten. I know that my r/l friends care about me when I'm with them, but still there's so little in common between them and myself that it's really hard to bond. What, I've talked to Yume about 5 times, and with the RP group about twice, and everyone else it's been touch and go. Inu-chan's only talking to me because of the CD order thing, and that's only when there's a shipment in. My mom's wonderful, despite the fact that I find her annoying sometimes, but I have this feeling of so much time wasted between us. And that now that I'm going off to college in about a week and a half she's trying to make it up to me.

And don't get me started on the people I talk to on-line. I'm a nuisance, that's all. They tolerate me, but I doubt that my company means anything more than just another pop-up ad on their screen. A momentary annoyance, and then click and go. I've tried to be more outgoing, more friendly, and yet it all seems to fall back down again. I just feel . . . fake.

It's all my fault anyway. And I'm making it more disgusting by practically begging for pity.

Here's what keeps me going, more often than not: Inertia. Like if I'm going to kill myself, I might as well do it now when my parents haven't really started paying for college yet. Once I enter my freshman year, I have to survive regardless, because then It'll be a waste. And after that, if I have a job, I can't kill myself then because I've put so much effort into getting the job, that I might as well just work. And if I did ever have a family, I'd have to survive to support them. And eventually everything would just roll-over until I was a lonely 100 year old woman, who decided that she might as well live to see how old she could get. That's what I mean by existing. There's no reason for me to be here except for the fact that it would take more effort to die. That's not a life.

Also, there's this feeling that if there's even one person in the world that I know would miss me when I'm gone, then I should live. Suicide is an ultimately selfish act anyway, and it's one thing to truly leave a world that would be better off without you, but who knows what might be affected by your death? Someone might actually suffer if I die, and hence I breathe.

Anyone out there?
I don't care if you love me, hate me, I just want to hear the Truth from someone other than my own self-doubts. Comfort, threats, scoldings, it's all the same.

Over and out.