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Reality, I guess.
Jan. 2nd, 2004 02:11 pmYes, it's a prewritten entry. No, it's not about Final Fantasy X. But I wish it were. I'm at the third battle with Seymour by the way. Not that it's important.
Warning: Prepare for a Pink Elephant.
Just a few minutes ago, I'm watching television with my mom in the PS2 room, when she asks me if I want to talk. *shrugs* Almost as if it were just a way to get in touch with a daughter who's become somewhat distant. What was there for me to say? I told her that I didn't really have much to talk about, to which she responds something along the lines of "Well, I thought you might want to know what's going on."
Big clue. Huge clue.
"What's going on?"
"Well, your dad and I are having problems. We're going to try counseling, but I don't know if it's going to work out. If things are going the way they're going now..."
*stare*
*another stare*
Oh.
Where the heck did this come from?
I always thought this was a stable place to live. There are no yelling matches. I just saw them snuggling together since I came home. Sure it's quiet. And we don't do much as a family, but they always do things together. They go out together with friends. *insert endless rationalization here*
But apparently, when mom moved her alarm clock into her room the other night...that was for her, and it wasn't just because she was sick. I, of course, chose to be blind about this. "Is someone coming over?" I should have known. Should have known. *big whap with the clue by four*
Shocked? Heck yes.
Worried? See above.
Sad? A little, perhaps.
I'm sorry that I had to be so stone-faced for Mom. For someone who cries over nothing at all, you'd think I could manage some sort of a response. A worried question or two and the lake. Maybe a crestfallen look so that she knew that it got through. She wants my reaction, she really does. And you know what, I can't give it to her. I have to sort things out for myself first. See, with the little things, the reaction can be 'zoom, quick' and sure people talk about over-reacting, but once the issue's done with, it's easy to see and apologize for any of that. The big things though, they require deliberation.
Of course one of the most wonderful things about pre-written entries is that one can pick up and continue one a couple days later, when one's head is a bit clearer. Or not. Oh, it's 2004 now, and I'm working on activating some of the ultimate weapons. I've done Yuna's, Rikku's, and Lulu's, and I have all of them except for Wakka's. Blitzball is just not tops on my list of things do do.
That convo took place on the 29th of December. The following day was my mom's birthday. *shrugs* Happy birthday, I guess. Hard to tell when my mother was crying on her shoulder after I gave her the birthday present. Maybe it got better as the day went on. I hope it did, but I'm afraid to ask. Oh, and I didn't do a birthday shot with her. Bad Dagas.
Get this straight parents, friends, everyone: Dagas is not a pillar of strength. As much as she is technically an adult, she's much more the child. Weak, selfish, prone to temper tantrums. And here, it seems, someone is depending on me to be a source of power and support that I'm just not up to being. Darn it! I'm supposed to be the weak one. I am the weak one. That's why I've been so silent, why I choose to shut myself away and make things worse.
Besides, I have my own questions. Ones that I don't want to ask or think about unless everything goes 'ka-boom'. Oh, and for the record, things have only gone 'boom' so far. It opens my eyes in a way that I would care for them to not have been opened. My parents never being in the same room. Never. Barely talking. Things that I could have erased from my mind as normal parts of our lives, now look uglier. See, I'm even avoiding asking them myself.
I wanted to remain clueless darn it. I wanted to remain blissfully unaware. Leave it until I had to go back to college, where it's much easier to distract me or find random people to glomp.
I hate reality. Really. Fantasy rules all. M.L.O.W. is not a joke, it's not a lame abbreviation. It's seriously where I spend 99% of my time talking to people who wouldn't talk to me in real life, thinking of rants that I'll never write, and fixating on my obsessions. Occasionally, it doesn't stink, but then we get these things that seem to snap and take a limb off when I surface for even a second.
Sorry for rambling so long, and about something so pointless. I know that everything that's going on is hardly unusual in this day and age. But this is a reality that I've lived with for most of what I can remember. And a reality that is apparently very easy to erase. You know that grumpy old person I call my father. *shrugs* I doubt that he ever formally adopted me. It was always just something that remained unspoken, that when he accepted my mom and they became engaged, he accepted me as his daughter as well. But he doesn't have to if everything goes down. And yeah... that's enough.
Over and out.
Warning: Prepare for a Pink Elephant.
Just a few minutes ago, I'm watching television with my mom in the PS2 room, when she asks me if I want to talk. *shrugs* Almost as if it were just a way to get in touch with a daughter who's become somewhat distant. What was there for me to say? I told her that I didn't really have much to talk about, to which she responds something along the lines of "Well, I thought you might want to know what's going on."
Big clue. Huge clue.
"What's going on?"
"Well, your dad and I are having problems. We're going to try counseling, but I don't know if it's going to work out. If things are going the way they're going now..."
*stare*
*another stare*
Oh.
Where the heck did this come from?
I always thought this was a stable place to live. There are no yelling matches. I just saw them snuggling together since I came home. Sure it's quiet. And we don't do much as a family, but they always do things together. They go out together with friends. *insert endless rationalization here*
But apparently, when mom moved her alarm clock into her room the other night...that was for her, and it wasn't just because she was sick. I, of course, chose to be blind about this. "Is someone coming over?" I should have known. Should have known. *big whap with the clue by four*
Shocked? Heck yes.
Worried? See above.
Sad? A little, perhaps.
I'm sorry that I had to be so stone-faced for Mom. For someone who cries over nothing at all, you'd think I could manage some sort of a response. A worried question or two and the lake. Maybe a crestfallen look so that she knew that it got through. She wants my reaction, she really does. And you know what, I can't give it to her. I have to sort things out for myself first. See, with the little things, the reaction can be 'zoom, quick' and sure people talk about over-reacting, but once the issue's done with, it's easy to see and apologize for any of that. The big things though, they require deliberation.
Of course one of the most wonderful things about pre-written entries is that one can pick up and continue one a couple days later, when one's head is a bit clearer. Or not. Oh, it's 2004 now, and I'm working on activating some of the ultimate weapons. I've done Yuna's, Rikku's, and Lulu's, and I have all of them except for Wakka's. Blitzball is just not tops on my list of things do do.
That convo took place on the 29th of December. The following day was my mom's birthday. *shrugs* Happy birthday, I guess. Hard to tell when my mother was crying on her shoulder after I gave her the birthday present. Maybe it got better as the day went on. I hope it did, but I'm afraid to ask. Oh, and I didn't do a birthday shot with her. Bad Dagas.
Get this straight parents, friends, everyone: Dagas is not a pillar of strength. As much as she is technically an adult, she's much more the child. Weak, selfish, prone to temper tantrums. And here, it seems, someone is depending on me to be a source of power and support that I'm just not up to being. Darn it! I'm supposed to be the weak one. I am the weak one. That's why I've been so silent, why I choose to shut myself away and make things worse.
Besides, I have my own questions. Ones that I don't want to ask or think about unless everything goes 'ka-boom'. Oh, and for the record, things have only gone 'boom' so far. It opens my eyes in a way that I would care for them to not have been opened. My parents never being in the same room. Never. Barely talking. Things that I could have erased from my mind as normal parts of our lives, now look uglier. See, I'm even avoiding asking them myself.
I wanted to remain clueless darn it. I wanted to remain blissfully unaware. Leave it until I had to go back to college, where it's much easier to distract me or find random people to glomp.
I hate reality. Really. Fantasy rules all. M.L.O.W. is not a joke, it's not a lame abbreviation. It's seriously where I spend 99% of my time talking to people who wouldn't talk to me in real life, thinking of rants that I'll never write, and fixating on my obsessions. Occasionally, it doesn't stink, but then we get these things that seem to snap and take a limb off when I surface for even a second.
Sorry for rambling so long, and about something so pointless. I know that everything that's going on is hardly unusual in this day and age. But this is a reality that I've lived with for most of what I can remember. And a reality that is apparently very easy to erase. You know that grumpy old person I call my father. *shrugs* I doubt that he ever formally adopted me. It was always just something that remained unspoken, that when he accepted my mom and they became engaged, he accepted me as his daughter as well. But he doesn't have to if everything goes down. And yeah... that's enough.
Over and out.
